Things I learnt in the first three weeks

I had meant to do a summary post each week of my magazine.  Obviously, that hasn't happened.  I'd love to promise it won't happen again, but as the mother of a small child, a PhD student returning from leave, and a hopeless procrastinator - that's a promise that's made to be broken.

(Of these three, it's really the last one that's the issue.  But I like to try and justify it somehow.)

So while I can't promise this with any great scheduled regularity, I will try.  For my first two magazines I have learnt:

• There's a lot more to tractors than I had thought.
• There's about as much depth of journalistic investigative writing in a shopping magazine for kids as I had thought.
• Even I, who broke my intention to have a "frugal baby" within about 2 seconds of falling pregnant, have my limits from the "aww that's cute" to the "holy mother of batman that is ridiculous" and those limits are way way before the $1600 family death trap - I mean family bucket bike.
• Going to the Murrambateman field day and recognising the difference between the Massey Fergusons and the John Deeres makes me feel like I fit in.
• The number one difference between Massey Fergusons and John Deeres that I know is one type is red and the other green.  I said I felt like I fit in, not that I actually did.
• And finally -  babies and baby tractors?  A winning combination.

New magazine tomorrow - it's been bought and it's a ripper.  Never before have I felt slightly ashamed to be buying a magazine...   (And no, it wasn't in a brown paper cover.)

Truth in Advertising

As I read through Shop 4 Kids, and look at the ads (the ones I can discern from the rest of the magazine, that is), I am struck by something.

The kids are clean.  Way too clean.  

Take this ad for example:

Cute kid, Levi clothes, nice picture.  Right?  But do you see that pot plant in the background?  And the boy is wearing a white shirt.  Dirt, white shirt, kid....  Why is he still so pristine?

For comparison's sake, I took my son outside.   The elements are there - kid in foreground, nice clothes on (not a Levi shirt but a handknitted cardigan.  I don't get to have control over what he wears for ever, so while I do there will be handknits!), pot in background.

Two seconds later:

Making sure the other hand gets coated:

What I didn't get pictures of is 2 seconds after that, which involved the eating of the dirt, and the later discovery that somehow he had got dirt inside in his clothes, under his top and into his nappy.

And it's not just the dirt.  Here's an adorable little girl holding a gingerbread man.  Not eating it, not sucking it, not smeared with icing and covered with gingerbread crumbs.

Here's Toby after being put in the vicinity of food.

(Yes, those are black beans on the table.)

Finally, there's an ad for a new line of children's clothing by Fiona Scanlan of Scanlan and Theodore, Big by Fiona.  The ad is focused on the bright colours, so there's an easel, a painted backdrop and a kid holding a paintbrush:

:

You'll note the lack of paint on the clothes or the children.  In fact, you'll note the lack of paint on the paintbrush.  Probably a good idea.  

He even had paint behind his ears.

As I type this though, it occurs to me that maybe the problem isn't unnaturally clean kids in the advertising - maybe my child is just a grot.  Given that I've had to get up while writing this to haul Toby out of the garden beds (twice), the potting bench (once) and the weber ash tray (once), and he managed to uproot a dill plant when I wasn't looking, I think perhaps I'm onto something.

Things Not to Buy

....unless you're Bill Gates.  And maybe not even then.

So the last look at Shop 4 Kids showed there are some quite cute, even reasonably priced kid's gear out there.

This post - not so much.  After going through the magazine, I have three contenders for the "Overpriced, Ugly and Just Plain Wrong" category.   More money than sense indeed.

First up - Leopard Print for Mini-Mes!  

Yes, because leopard print is such a great idea for grown women in the first place - classy, you know?

And $90 for a pair of kid's shoes?  Totally reasonable.  It's not like their feet are growing fast or anything.

Even if we take the point that a little leopard could work in the right circumstances - what are those in the bottom right corner?  Yep, it's leopard print boardies!  Of all the contexts in which leopard print could perhaps work, swimwear for kids isn't one of them.  At least the taste line was drawn at showing a leopard print bikini for little girls.  Or perhaps they just couldn't find one.

The next contender is a baby carrier, not unlike the Baby Bjorn or other popular carriers.

Except this one is designer, made of leather, and costs $549.

And in my opinion, doesn't look at all comfortable.  If you're wondering, it's from Silver Cross - the same folk who make the Balmoral Pram which retails for around $3000 US.  Almost makes the baby carrier look reasonable.

And finally, we have what Shop 4 Kids describes as "one funky family ride" that "screams mummy chic":

A Family Bucket Bike.  For $1600.

Maybe it's just me, but that thing doesn't scream anything chic.  It doesn't scream anything except perhaps the kids who are giving off a distinct Village of the Damned vibe.

The caption also laments that the bucket bike isn't available in Australia.  I would imagine not, as I can't imagine how it would possibly pass safety standards - one quick corner and the kids will be tumbling out of their bucket faster than Jack and Jill.  Although given they're probably reading your mind and directing your will, maybe the lack of restraints and seats isn't a bad idea after all.

Shopping for another week.

I've neglected poor Shop 4 Kids this week.  A confluence of events have meant that our life has been crazy this past week and I just haven't had the time to read my magazine.

A job interview for Tony, a vatload of marking for me, a new car seat required for the baby who did a growth spurt, the changing of the seasons requiring tomato bushes to be planted (hey, I have my priorities!), the end of the non-teaching break and the brilliant decision to spend all yesterday driving around looking at houses even though a) we don't have plans to buy a new house and b) we don't have the money to buy a new house all mean that today involves me, a stack of essays, a HB pencil and a cramping hand.

(The sad side effect of the computer age - whenever I have to handwrite now for more than a few sentences, I cramp up.  My copperplate is suffering.)

Which is a long way of saying that it looks like it will be Shop 4 Kids for another week - until my marking is done and I have time to get to the newsagent and choose another title.  (I have some good ones in mind though.)

Sensible things from a shopping magazine

Sounds ridiculous?  Despite my post on Monday, Shop 4 Kids does have some interesting and fairly sensible content.

Top of my list today is the 'Pack your bags' article in the pregnancy section (Shop 4 Kids:  In Utero!)

On the 'Vital, I packed it, would certainly agree list' are

• Gatorade - I went through a lot.  I got people to bring me some the next morning.  I found that during labour I didn't want to eat, but, given I was in labour for over 24 hours eating was kind of necessary.  Gatorade was a nice compromise.
• Pyjamas - Yes. But be warned, birth can be a messy business.  Take washable ones, not Peter Alexander silk pyjamas.
• Toothpaste and toothbrush - simple, but important.  After staying up all night and drinking so much Gatorade (see point 1) that your tongue is slightly blue, cleaning your teeth is a little luxury.
• Camera - no brainer, really.
• Champagne!  They suggest Veuve Clicquot, I think we had Mumm.  I say I think because, and this is the family of Mummy conspiracy, I was too whacked out after the birth (and in fact we waited 24 hours) to have more than the tiniest sip.  I'm assured everyone else in the family enjoyed the bubbles though.

The 'No, not really' category

• Make-up.  The article suggests a make-bag, bronzer, lip gloss, concealer and mascara.  I may be biased here because although I like makeup I wear it probably once a month.   Still, in my experience just washing your hair and cleaning your teeth after giving birth is a high achievement.  Standing up long enough in front of the mirror to actually apply makeup?  Not going to happen.
• Scented candle.  Nice idea but in most hospitals they don't allow open flames.  Something to do with the highly flammable gases apparently.  
• Hair-dryer:  See point 1 above.  Unless you have an amazing birth with singing angels, helpful rainbow dolphins and a 4 pound baby that pulls itself out, you aren't going to feel like doing a neat blow out.   Take the scrunchies and prepare for ponytails for a few days.

And finally, in the spirit of something I have learnt from this magazine:  Stuff I wish I'd brought and will do next time.

• Shower gel.   The accompanying text is 'Hospital shower gel is nasty and you're going to want a serious shower power after game time'.   They have a point.  After all the hard work, it would be nice to turn what is a fairly industrial shower into something  a little more scented.
• Nursing dress.  I had planned to go to the birth centre, have the baby, and be home within about 4-6 hours of the birth.  We left for the birth centre at night, so I just took pyjamas and a dressing gown.  After all that's all I'd need, right?  (Cue sound of a million Mums laughing.)  Yeah, babies don't follow plans.  After a transfer up to the hospital, a loooong labour and overnight admittance, we left the afternoon two days after we arrived.   And I was still wearing my pyjamas (I managed to lose my dressing gown.  In fact, perhaps I should add that point - don't take anything you're not prepared to lose!)   It would have been nice to have had a shower with my shower gel and to have left wearing actual clothes.

In these Tough Economic Times...

My mother-in-law reads this blog.  I know this, because after reading yesterday's post, she accused me of being a soft touch, and spoiling Toby (which is, as everyone knows, a grandparent's right and duty, not a mother's!).

Hmmm.  She may have a point.

However, it is Monday and therefore time for a new magazine.   This one I chose for a number of reasons.  Firstly, I have a heap of marking to do this week and I wanted something that required less concentration.  I liked the tractors, but I still don't know what a grub screw is, and this week I don't have the time to try and find out.   Secondly, in the spirit of the economic stimulus, the global economic crisis and calls for consumers to do their bit, I thought this magazine appropriate.  And in light of the TractorGate toy episode, I will do my best not to buy anything for Toby as a result of this week's magazine - a positive shrine to consumerism:  Shop 4 Kids!  

Wait, this may not have been a good idea.

A few years ago, a new magazine came out called Shop Til You Drop.  I was, and still am, astounded that there could be a whole magazine that was just shopping.  Isn't that the point of advertising?

However, Shop Til You Drop was a success, so much so that it has spawned different versions of itself.  There is the one off magazine Shop Girl, aimed at the 'tween' market.  I'm not making this up.  I didn't chose that one because a) it's only a one off - I think magazines need to be periodical to be proper magazines (magazine snob!  Watch me break that rule when there's a one off I actually want to feature) and b) I didn't think I could cope.  I oscillate between being horrified at the concept, and, in the context of having seen my now 13 year old sister start an interest in fashion and shopping over the past 3 years or so, grudgingly impressed at the niche marketing.  As the media flurry shows, I'm not the only one who finds this magazine disturbing.

However, as well as Shop Girl, there's also Shop 4 Kids.  I have a kid.  I shop.  Seems like a perfect combination, right?  It should be an easy week of leafing through a magazine.

Not so much.  My ease of reading so far as been impacted by the eye rolling (oh yes, I think a $159 dress is a great idea for a toddler.  What, there's a matching one for Mum for only $399?  What a fantastic idea!), my genuine inability to tell the difference between the actual content and the advertising at times, and the urge to throw the magazine across the room at certain points (usually involving ridiculously grown up and inappropriate attire for little girls.  No, baby bikinis are not cute.  Nor are little girls lounging by the pool in bathing suits with mocktails and pretending to read Danielle Steele novels).

I also have an issue with the title.  It's the 4.  I mean, Toby is going to be of the sms generation.  I get that.  He'll use acronyms and abbreviations that I don't understand.  Text speech will probably be old school by the time he's baffling me, but I'm sure there will be some alternative to lol or rofl that will be cool.   Even though I get this, I don't have to encourage it.  Can't he learn the real words before we start shortening them?  It's the same reason I refuse to buy any Playskool branded toys.  I don't think toys with a deliberate misspelling in their name is a great start for your child's reading and spelling skills.  I want my kid to write properly, and I want his environment set up to assist this.  If Toby forges a late note, I want it to believable.  "Sry Toby wuz l8 4 skool" just won't cut it!

Hmm.  Far from encouraging my materialistic side, it seems Shop 4 Kids is exposing my curmudgeonly, crunchy, earth mother side.  I have a sudden urge to go out and stir the compost bins while reading to Toby, humming The Internationale and perhaps baking organic cookies.  

It should be a fun week.